Sigh

Here I am sitting at the kitchen table waiting for my brother to pick me up. We are heading over to JC Penney's to buy some dress shirts. Talk about being a little uncomfortable. You see the last Sunday that my sister was visiting, which happened to be Father's Day, I told my true feelings about my late Uncle Mike.
Growing up, Uncle Mike would tickle me, it was just a little tickle here and there. It was to the point whenever we were in the same room he would tickle me and no matter how many times I would tell him to stop, he wouldn't. To this day I still don't like to be touched around my neck, back and my sides without getting creapt out. Last time someone touched my neck my skin literally crawled and I couldn't shake the feeling. Over the years after a lot of patience on my friends part, I have overcome most of the feelings.
About 5 years ago, Uncle Mike died of a brain hemorrhage, needless to say I did not morn his passing. On Father's Day, I overheard my sister and former sister-in-law talking about him. My sister was talking about how the good things he used to do and how he always made time for us. But in my mind I still remembered the bad and I let them know that when he died I was glad.
My sister was not too happy about the statement. In her mind what my uncle did was not that bad and that I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. But having suffered through years of what I considered torture she would never understand. My comments worried my sister-in-law, and she tried to convince me to get counseling and I told her that I was over it. I didn't need counseling.
Adriana (SIL), talked to my 2 brothers. I don't know how to feel about them knowing. On the 4th of July my older brother Mario, helped me out of my car after I got off of work and it looked like he was crying. It hurt me to know that I was the cause of the pain. I love my brothers very much and today going shopping with Mario makes me worried. I don't want him to feel like he has to walk on egg shells when he is around me.
I am NOT fragile and I won't break. I know they feel guilty for not stopping my Uncle Mike, but they didn't know. How can they stop something that they weren't aware of. Also back then and still today tickling is considered harmless. Much like bullying was 20 years ago people don't put much into tickling. But when tickling goes beyond being fun for the one being tickled then it is considered torture. At least for me it was.
So after all of this is said and done, I have decided that I do need to get some counseling. I have so many issues that I need help with. This is not the first time that I have been told I need counseling, but this is the first time I decided to listen and I will seek out the help that I need.

Thinking~~

This past month my world is going through many changes. Many of them I'm not ready for, many that I don't want and many that I welcome. It seems like that we're moving at a quicker rate. Instead of moving in maybe 3 months or more, Mom and Dad are starting to move stuff to my brothers home. I've live in my house for almost 24 years, now I am being forced to move. It's not like I don't love my brother, we get along great. I don't know anymore. It makes me wonder.
Am over thinking this? Maybe I am.

Lying in bed...

Lying in bed another sleepless night. I hate to say this but I am used to it by now. I have too much thoughts and ramblings going on in my head. I am worried and scared. School is going good. I am actually doing well in my classes. But today I found out that we are having 2 permanent guests staying with us. My brothers dogs Nolo and Nemo. Don't get me wrong I enjoy the dogs, they are fun and lively. It's just a sign of things that are changing, just a little too quickly.
Right now I am worried that we may lose our house. I know that I will always have a roof over my head and food on the table, but I have lived here for over 20 years. This is not only the place that I have lived most of my life, but this is my home. I am worried for my parents, finances are so tight that my mom hasn't been going to the doctor like she should. My father is so worried about finances that it scares me.
I know what most will say, trust God. Trust that God is there for me and that he has plans for me and my family. But I am scared, I don't want to leave my home or my neighborhood. I am trying to trust in God and his plans but it is hard. I want to do something more than pray, go to school and go to work. There must be more that I can do. But I know that it is out of my hands and in God's.
This is not including the stress that I am feeling from all other aspects of my life. Right now I am so stressed that I am not handling it well. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "LEAVE ME ALONE... DON'T BOTHER ME!!!!" But that will never happen, I have tried that and all that does is leave me horse. I am tired, fed up, but most of all I am scared.
PLEASE GOD... I AM LOST AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!

Happy Birthday to me

I was driving to school, when I realized that 17 years ago yesterday I accepted Christ as my personal savior. Wow has it been really 17 years. Looking back, I realized that I have grown in many different ways. In the past 17 years I have experienced too much to put into words. I have seen weedings, funerals, and baptisms. I have seen weddings strengthened and fail. I have seen people get closer to God and walk away, me included. But what I have experienced the most in the last 17 years is God's never ending love and faithfulness. Everyday I am reminded of God's grace. I have been fortunate to have met some incredible people. Ones that have changed my life, for the good and the bad. I would not change any of the experiences they have helped shape who I am and my faith in God.

I am learning more everyday

About a week ago I found a lump in my neck, granted I was scared. Not at what it may be, but at having to find the money to go see the doctor. I posted on Twitter asking for prayer and mentioned that I do not have the money to go to the doctor. You see finances are real tight right now at my house. Granted it would cost me $20 to go see the doctor, but I also owe the doctor money and I didn't have the finances for both.
After posting the prayer request and I was not asking for money, two people came forward and told me that they would give me the money. One person I have known for over 26 years and she is like a sister to me. The other we have met through a band website and have not met in person. When I read her response I started to cry, very few things make me cry and this one truly touched me. I have learned so much about human kindness and God's grace that I cannot explain. Later that day I was talking to one of the girls in my chemistry lab and I told her what happened and she offered to cover anything else that might come up. Three times in one day I was shown how much God is in control and how God's love is in people even strangers. I may never be able to repay everyone's kindness but I can truly tell them that they have affected me more than words can ever say.
You see there are times when my faith isn't as strong as most. I seem to struggle everyday with my not being worthy enough to be called a friend, a sister, a daughter, but most importantly a child of God. Then I am reminded that there are people who think more of me than I do myself. Blessings come in many forms and every shape and size. I thank God for the blessings that he has given me, the great and small. But most of all I thank God for putting people in my life whom I have the pleasure to call my friends and family. You see family is not just having the same blood running through you. But family are those whom God has put together. Whether we are brothers or sisters by blood or brothers and sisters through a bond that may seem to some as superficial, what I have discovered is that brother or sisterhood goes beyond that of blood and at times seems stronger.
So to all my brothers and sisters thank you for reminding me and teaching me of God's love. I can never tell you how much I treasure all of you.

Why not me?

Have you ever seen someone who gets everything that they want, a career, a family, a new opportunity and ask 'Why not me?' I walked away from friends almost a year ago, because I am no longer involved in that lifestyle. Now I find out that one of my ex-friends is getting married in December and is opening up her own bar in March. If I had not turned away from that life I could have been involved in it.
It seems like everything that she has asked for she is getting, me I am struggling everyday just to survive. She has also written a screenplay that if we would have stayed friends I was helping to write the second and third part. The third part would have been written by me. I mean don't get me wrong, I am not regretting my decision to walk away, there was just too much of everything in that friendship. Too much drama, too much uncertainty, too much lies, too much anger, with our friendship it all just too much.
I know things happen in God's time and not in my time... but I can't help but ask why not me... when will it be my turn? I am only human after all.

One of those days

Have you ever had one of those days? Where you feel that the world is conspiring against you. Well today was mine. I honest think I was about to lose my mind. Friday I lost my cell phone, so I had to call and have it replaced. Thank God for insurance. Well Monday I received my new phone used phone and the face was cracked it looked like it had water damage, so I called them back up and they sent me a new one. I received it today.
Well I lost the one that I am replacing. I searched hi and low and for the life of me I couldn't find it. I tore apart my whole room looking for it. I finally found it in my kitchen on the window sill. I was about to have a nervous breakdown over a silly phone. I was like why God? Why me? I am so turned around I don't know if I am coming or going. Oh and I almost ran over someone on my way home from the market. like I said I am having one of those days where nothing has gone right.
But I know what I need to do to make it better. PRAY!